Done with this

I just didn't have enough material so I made a NEW BLOG

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Things I am Thankful For

We should really think about this more often ya know?

In general we are so blessed and it's kinda sad that we only focus on it specifically for two months out of the year!

I'm thankful for...

the wonderful job that I have that provides a good wage, flexible hours and job security.

d/Deaf people! Without them I wouldn't have a job!

a beautiful home for myself and my "babies"! Even if it is half finished, it's ours! :)

my husband who supports me when I decide to go out of town to visit family when he can't join me over the holiday!

my two favorite cousins and aunt and uncle who are helping me celebrate my first Thanksgiving without my mom! Every event with them is a blast!

my dad who just plain supports me and loves me when it feels like my world is falling apart.

his new girlfriend. Even though it's difficult to have a new woman in his life, I'm glad it's her!

the AMAZING memories my mother and I built together that pop into my mind randomly while I'm commuting to work or going to sleep at night.

friends that even when I disappear for months at a time, still love me and accept me.

my husband's family. We've been through so much together! It's created a bond I didn't think we'd ever have.

all the babies that have been brought into this world and my life over the past few years.

the hope that one day Cary and I will have one of our own.

Grace!

Those are only a smidgen of the things I'm thankful for, but it feels good to put them out there!

What are you thankful for?

Gluten sucks!

That title is misleading as I truly feel Gluten is AMAZING! I am a bread lover! I always have been! One of my favorite memories of our honeymoon in Jamaica was in the morning we'd go down to breakfast right on the water and our server would bring us Jamaican Blue coffee. Normally I drink mine black but Jamaican Blue requires cream and it becomes truly decadent. The only think that makes it even more decadent? Pairing it with a chocolate croissant!

About 2 years ago I had a blood test done to see if I have Celiac Disease. In a nut shell, that would mean my body does not tolerate wheat, barley or rye. The test came back negative but the doctor told me I could try a gluten free diet if I wanted to. "Screw that!" I thought, "If I can have gluten I'm not going to deprive myself of it!" Fast forward two years...

Upon careful examination of my heath(or lack thereof) in relation to food, as well as some research through google and the good old fashioned Library hunt, I have come to realize that I don't give a RATS BEHIND what the tests say! I'm gluten intolerant! Every time I eat something that is gluten dense I'm either in the bathroom or have to take a nap! I get sick so often that my husband figured out I am ill for approximately 3 months a year. That's a QUARTER of my life!

So, once I realized this I decided to give myself some time to stock my pantry and learn a bit more about how to replace the gluten-full foods I eat with gluten-free varieties. I chose a start date for my G-Free living of Jan 1st 2010. I figured that way I could go through the entire holiday season eating my favorites one last time.

Then today I polished off 8 slices of bread with cheese and and apple and I'm ready to rip my insides out! I'M DONE! No more gluten for me! It's not worth it! I love my yummy holiday treats,(in fact my husband is begging for pumpkin rolls that I can't eat) but I don't want to feel like this anymore! This is no way to live my life! Not quite well, but not quite sick...who wants that? Not me!

The sad part is, I used to think that people who didn't eat gluten were crazy! I thought they were just on some mad quest to live forever, but now I realize, most of them are just trying to live like "normal" people. SO you can think we're crazy and fanatical and need to get a life but until you've had this kind of pain you can't possibly understand!

So call me crazy! It wouldn't be the first time :)

Stay at Home moms really do more than you think!

So there has been a lot of controversy lately about stay at home moms, working moms and full time moms. In fact my cousin Beth recently POSTED a well written rant on Facebook exclaiming:

"I object to the term "Full time mom" used synonymously with "Stay at home mom." Certainly, a SAHM is also a FTM but so are working moms. No one accuses working dads of being "part time dads." ...When I am working, I am providing food, health care, education, and a warm home for my son... okay, just had to get that off my chest :)"

Well said Beth!

A few weeks ago my friend Robin posted this article on Facebook and I feel it is important for everyone who doesn't have children to read! My husband is one of those people who doesn't yet understand what stay-at-home moms do. Hopefully this will help him and everyone else understand.

TELL ME ABOUT IT ®

By Carolyn Hax
Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Carolyn:

Best friend has child. Her: exhausted, busy, no time for self, no time for me, etc. Me (no kids): Wow. Sorry. What'd you do today? Her: Park, play group . . .

Okay. I've done Internet searches, I've talked to parents. I don't get it. What do stay-at-home moms do all day? Please no lists of library, grocery store, dry cleaners . . . I do all those things, too, and I don't do them EVERY DAY. I guess what I'm asking is: What is a typical day and why don't moms have time for a call or e-mail? I work and am away from home nine hours a day (plus a few late work events) and I manage to get it all done. I'm feeling like the kid is an excuse to relax and enjoy -- not a bad thing at all -- but if so, why won't my friend tell me the truth? Is this a peeing contest ("My life is so much harder than yours")? What's the deal? I've got friends with and without kids and all us child-free folks get the same story and have the same questions.

Tacoma, Wash.

Relax and enjoy. You're funny.

Or you're lying about having friends with kids.

Or you're taking them at their word that they actually have kids, because you haven't personally been in the same room with them.

Internet searches?

I keep wavering between giving you a straight answer and giving my forehead some keyboard. To claim you want to understand, while in the same breath implying that the only logical conclusions are that your mom-friends are either lying or competing with you, is disingenuous indeed.

So, since it's validation you seem to want, the real answer is what you get. In list form. When you have young kids, your typical day is: constant attention, from getting them out of bed, fed, clean, dressed; to keeping them out of harm's way; to answering their coos, cries, questions; to having two arms and carrying one kid, one set of car keys, and supplies for even the quickest trips, including the latest-to-be-declared-essential piece of molded plastic gear; to keeping them from unshelving books at the library; to enforcing rest times; to staying one step ahead of them lest they get too hungry, tired or bored, any one of which produces the kind of checkout-line screaming that gets the checkout line shaking its head.

It's needing 45 minutes to do what takes others 15.

It's constant vigilance, constant touch, constant use of your voice, constant relegation of your needs to the second tier.

It's constant scrutiny and second-guessing from family and friends, well-meaning and otherwise. It's resisting constant temptation to seek short-term relief at everyone's long-term expense.

It's doing all this while concurrently teaching virtually everything -- language, manners, safety, resourcefulness, discipline, curiosity, creativity. Empathy. Everything.

It's also a choice, yes. And a joy. But if you spent all day, every day, with this brand of joy, and then, when you got your first 10 minutes to yourself, wanted to be alone with your thoughts instead of calling a good friend, a good friend wouldn't judge you, complain about you to mutual friends, or marvel how much more productively she uses her time. Either make a sincere effort to understand or keep your snit to yourself.

Sometimes your plans don't turn out the way you thought...

So, when I was in junior high my best friend Jaclyn and I used to talk about how we weren't going to get married until we were at least 28 years old. We wouldn't be dependent on men and we weren't going to be slowed down by children. In fact I said that I would NEVER have children. I had dreams of a hugely successful career making tons of money, paying for my parent's condo in Florida, buying new boobs, traveling whenever I felt like it and laughing at the sexual advances of men who recognized that I was the definition of "a catch".

Everything took a turn when I met this guy who stole my heart. During the first year of dating I realized those "dreams" I had when I was young didn't necessarily promise happiness. I decided not to pursue a high powered career, instead I chose the random path of sign language interpreting. This career would provide more flexibility to start a family.

Sometimes those young dreams float back to the surface and I find myself fighting the urge to go back to those earthly desires. But then I think about my future babies and the joy they will bring to our lives. I picture the big smiles on the faces of my family as they watch first smiles, first steps and hear first words.

I saw this quote on a blog that I frequent Passionate Homemaking and it made me kind of teary(what doesn't these days?). It sums up how I feel about old dreams and new reality.

“She came tonight as I sat alone, the girl I used to be…
And she gazed at me with her earnest eye and questioned reproachfully;

Have you forgotten the many plans and hopes that I had for you?
The career, the splendid fame, and all the wonderful things to do?
Where is the mansion of stately height with all of its gardens rare?
The silken robes that I dreamed for you and the jewels in your hair?

And as she spoke, I was very sad for I wanted her please with me…
This slender girl from the shadowy past the girl that I used to be
So gently rising, I took her hand, and guided her up the stair
Where peacefully sleeping, my babies lay innocent, sweet, and fair.

And I told her that these are my only gems, and precious they are to me;
That silken robe is my motherhood of costly simplicity.
And my mansion of stately height is love, and the only career I know
Is serving each day in these sheltered walls for the dear ones who come and go.

And as I spoke to my shadowy guest, she smiled through her tears at me.
And I saw that the woman that I am now, pleased the girl I used to be.

- Author Unknown

I'm BAAAAAAACK!

I know it's been forever but I finally feel like I can blog again!

A common problem I have, is that I expect too much from myself. I see what other people do around me and expect to be able to do the same!

The problem is, I'm not in a position to do it all and have it all! I just don't give myself a break sometimes.
I expect myself to work 40 hours a week(not including travel time), plan meals for every night so we don't rely on take-out and blow our budget, cook these meals even when I arrive home at 9pm at night, keep my house spotless, and have enough energy for my husband my animals, my friends and my dad. It's not possible to do it all, all the time, and yet I get down on myself when I fail quite often!

My newest thing is, I expect myself to be over the whole grieving process after losing my mother in May 2009. My mom was my best friend and I sometimes think that I realized it too late. I think about her everyday and remember her in the simplest things. (She LOVED candy corn and it's everywhere right now!)

For the last few months or so, I have had no interest in seeing my friends. I have no interest in what is going on in their lives or how they're doing. Essentially, I'm being a "bad friend".
My family, on the other hand, I cling to like I've never clung (is that a word?) to before. This is strange to me because I've never really been a "family-type-person" I've always relied on my friends to get me through the hard times.

So, I don't understand myself during this season of life and I've been giving myself this whole guilt trip when in actuality I should just let myself grieve!

And now for the lame part...

I came to this realization after watching Grey's Anatomy last week. The show always has a voice over that sort of speaks a bit of wisdom about what is going on during that particular episode. This week it was on grief and it really struck me! So I'm going to share it because as lame as it is that a tv drama helped me come to the realization that I have to give in and let myself grieve, I would be remiss not to share it because what if it helps someone else? So here it is:

The dictionary defines grief as keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret. As surgeons, as scientists, we’re taught to learn from and rely on books, on definitions, on definitives. But in life, strict definitions rarely apply. In life, grief can look like a lot of things that bear little resemblance to sharp sorrow.
Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone.
It isn’t just death we have to grieve. It’s life. It’s loss. It’s change.
And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime.
That’s how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can’t breathe, that’s how you survive.
By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won’t feel this way. It won’t hurt this much.
Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way.
So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty.
The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can’t control it.
The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes.
And let it go when we can.
The very worst part is that the minute you think you’re past it, it starts all over again.
And always, every time, it takes your breath away.
There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five.
Denial.
Anger.
Bargaining.
Depression.
Acceptance.


So, I realize now that even though I thought I had already accepted things the way they are, my grief kind of started over again and I'm back at depression. Things are definitely getting better, don't get me wrong, but I'm having a hard time realizing that I'm not in the final stage of grief where I think I should be.

So to my friends, thank you for all your love, support and understanding. To my family, thank you for letting my hold on to you as tight as I possibly can right now.
Here's hoping I can just accept this stage of life, do the best I can and know that it's good enough for now!

NO! I don't know braille!

In preparation for tomorrows MMM(W) I should explain for those of you who don't know, exactly what I do.

I'm a sign language interpreter for the d/Deaf. One of the most common responses when I tell people this is "OH, so you know braille!?" No, why would I know braille if I work with d/Deaf people? They can see moron! They can't HEAR!

Currently I'm working for a video relay company. Video relay is basically when a d/Deaf person wants to make a phone call, they call the relay service and pop up on my computer screen. I can see them and they can see me (think skype but clearer) they tell me who they want to call and I make the call for them. They sign and I tell the person they are calling what exactly they are saying. I speak in 1st person so I talk like this "Hey it's Susan how are you? No I don't know braille because I'm deaf and can see!" My friend Katey once said this about our career: "We are bridge-builders. We are gap-fillers. We are people-uniters." It is one of the most eloquent and beautiful ways to describe exactly what we do!

I just want to take this time to say I LOVE MY JOB! Better yet, I work with a bunch of people who also LOVE THEIR JOBS! A wise person once said "If you love what you do, you'll never work a day in your life!" This is only partially true because trust me, what I do is HARD WORK! I have difficult days and fun days and easy days. I'm constantly challenged and can't believe how blessed I am to have the ability and the passion to do this every day.

You'll understand why I explained all this tomorrow! In the meantime I leave you with this:


NO I DON'T FRIGGIN' KNOW BRAILLE!