I know it's been forever but I finally feel like I can blog again!
A common problem I have, is that I expect too much from myself. I see what other people do around me and expect to be able to do the same!
I expect myself to work 40 hours a week(not including travel time), plan meals for every night so we don't rely on take-out and blow our budget, cook these meals even when I arrive home at 9pm at night, keep my house spotless, and have enough energy for my husband my animals, my friends and my dad. It's not possible to do it all, all the time, and yet I get down on myself when I fail quite often!
My newest thing is, I expect myself to be over the whole grieving process after losing my mother in May 2009. My mom was my best friend and I sometimes think that I realized it too late. I think about her everyday and remember her in the simplest things. (She LOVED candy corn and it's everywhere right now!)
For the last few months or so, I have had no interest in seeing my friends. I have no interest in what is going on in their lives or how they're doing. Essentially, I'm being a "bad friend".
My family, on the other hand, I cling to like I've never clung (is that a word?) to before. This is strange to me because I've never really been a "family-type-person" I've always relied on my friends to get me through the hard times.
So, I don't understand myself during this season of life and I've been giving myself this whole guilt trip when in actuality I should just let myself grieve!
And now for the lame part...
I came to this realization after watching Grey's Anatomy last week. The show always has a voice over that sort of speaks a bit of wisdom about what is going on during that particular episode. This week it was on grief and it really struck me! So I'm going to share it because as lame as it is that a tv drama helped me come to the realization that I have to give in and let myself grieve, I would be remiss not to share it because what if it helps someone else? So here it is:
The dictionary defines grief as keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret. As surgeons, as scientists, we’re taught to learn from and rely on books, on definitions, on definitives. But in life, strict definitions rarely apply. In life, grief can look like a lot of things that bear little resemblance to sharp sorrow.
Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone.
It isn’t just death we have to grieve. It’s life. It’s loss. It’s change.
And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime.
That’s how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can’t breathe, that’s how you survive.
By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won’t feel this way. It won’t hurt this much.
Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way.
So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty.
The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can’t control it.
The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes.
And let it go when we can.
The very worst part is that the minute you think you’re past it, it starts all over again.
And always, every time, it takes your breath away.
There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five.
Denial.
Anger.
Bargaining.
Depression.
Acceptance.
So, I realize now that even though I thought I had already accepted things the way they are, my grief kind of started over again and I'm back at depression. Things are definitely getting better, don't get me wrong, but I'm having a hard time realizing that I'm not in the final stage of grief where I think I should be.
So to my friends, thank you for all your love, support and understanding. To my family, thank you for letting my hold on to you as tight as I possibly can right now.
Here's hoping I can just accept this stage of life, do the best I can and know that it's good enough for now!
For the last few months or so, I have had no interest in seeing my friends. I have no interest in what is going on in their lives or how they're doing. Essentially, I'm being a "bad friend".
My family, on the other hand, I cling to like I've never clung (is that a word?) to before. This is strange to me because I've never really been a "family-type-person" I've always relied on my friends to get me through the hard times.
So, I don't understand myself during this season of life and I've been giving myself this whole guilt trip when in actuality I should just let myself grieve!
And now for the lame part...
I came to this realization after watching Grey's Anatomy last week. The show always has a voice over that sort of speaks a bit of wisdom about what is going on during that particular episode. This week it was on grief and it really struck me! So I'm going to share it because as lame as it is that a tv drama helped me come to the realization that I have to give in and let myself grieve, I would be remiss not to share it because what if it helps someone else? So here it is:
The dictionary defines grief as keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret. As surgeons, as scientists, we’re taught to learn from and rely on books, on definitions, on definitives. But in life, strict definitions rarely apply. In life, grief can look like a lot of things that bear little resemblance to sharp sorrow.
Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone.
It isn’t just death we have to grieve. It’s life. It’s loss. It’s change.
And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime.
That’s how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can’t breathe, that’s how you survive.
By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won’t feel this way. It won’t hurt this much.
Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way.
So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty.
The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can’t control it.
The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes.
And let it go when we can.
The very worst part is that the minute you think you’re past it, it starts all over again.
And always, every time, it takes your breath away.
There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five.
Denial.
Anger.
Bargaining.
Depression.
Acceptance.
So, I realize now that even though I thought I had already accepted things the way they are, my grief kind of started over again and I'm back at depression. Things are definitely getting better, don't get me wrong, but I'm having a hard time realizing that I'm not in the final stage of grief where I think I should be.
So to my friends, thank you for all your love, support and understanding. To my family, thank you for letting my hold on to you as tight as I possibly can right now.
Here's hoping I can just accept this stage of life, do the best I can and know that it's good enough for now!
Oh, Erin. Thank you for sharing what you're going through. I have a few responses...
ReplyDelete1) I TOTALLY know how you feel about thinking you can do it all and then feeling guilty when you don't. You're not alone. And you're not a failure. It is challenging, though, to figure out how to find a balance. If I ever find the answer, I'll let you know.
2) Do NOT feel guilty about clinging to your family as opposed to your friends. Your family is your rock, they'll always be there no matter what. Your friends understand this. If they don't, they're not true friends.
And...
3) I have learned many life lessons from Grey's Anatomy. :)